Frankenhooker (1990)

Frankenhooker seems like it should be the title for a parody porno, unfortunately it’s not. This is a real movie that exists. There are a lot of 90’s boobs though which is neat. I was kept up way past my bed time to watch this movie about a guys ugly wife who is murdered by a berserk lawnmower. He keeps her body parts in a special purple goo fridge and then picks all the best parts from all the best hookers. Unfortunately though all the best hookers explode from taking super crack. The guy with the dead wife with takes all the exploded hooker parts and puts his dead wifes head on them and brings her back to life. I.E. Frankenhooker. There’s a pimp named Zorro who’s really buff too, he says some funny things sometimes. Somehow the stupid guy with the dead wife ends up with his stupid head on a body made up of the all crappy unused hooker parts. The end.

[speaking to a room full of scattered body parts after all the hookers explode]
“I want to apologize to everybody here.”


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The Burning (1981)

Basically just Friday the 13th with George Costanza. Some kids at a camp burn an ugly guy making him uglier. That uglier guy comes back and kills all the horny camp kids while they try to fuck each other. Apparently Tom Savini turned down Friday the 13th pt. 2 to work on this, so thats cool I guess.


Street Trash (1987)

a bunch of homeless people fight each other over money and booze until they stumble across a $1 drink that makes them to melt into a puddle of neon goo that sort of looks like the toxic avenger. Oh and there’s an unfriendly homeless Vietnam vet with ptsd named Bronson who lives in a junkyard and cuts off a guys dick. I think a fat guy fucks a dead girl too. The end.



Willow Creek

A documentary thats not really a documentary about bigfoot that’s a lot like the blair witch project but isn’t the blair witch project. I think you see boobs at the end but I’m not sure. Most of the movie is spent in a tent with the most bro dude bigfoot believer ever and his crying girlfriend who doesn’t want to be his wife. Basically just a breakup movie with bigfoot in the background.