the jeffrey dahmer files 2012

at first I didn’t know if I was watching the jeffrey dahmer files or a movie about fish.
this documentary was awful.
you don’t know who anyone is.
it’s boring and you don’t really know what the hell anyone is talking about until about 30 minutes into the movie.

I turned it off.
AND they show a bunch of goldfish getting ripped apart by multiple oscar fish.
fuck you for that.
you’re lucky I didn’t turn it off right after that 2 minutes in.
(-100/5)

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Chrome and Hot Leather (1971)

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This movie opens up in ‘Nam where we see the army walking by some farmers.  We then remember to never trust Charlie when the farmers whip out automatic weapons and start attacking.   Some dude bad-assily kicks a machine gun out of Charlie’s hand which is fucking dope.  Then, oh shit, it turns out that this is not actually ‘Nam just a training site.  The next thing we see is a sweet biker gang which includes the biggest kaiser helmet ever.  Now we see two ladies in a car pulling up behind the bikers.  The bikers then start to fuck with them and one of the girls thinks it’s cute.  They then get scared of the gang and try to pull off on a side road to escape the biker terror, in doing so they accidentally take out a dude and his old lady.  At this point we can actually see their back patches, they are called the “Wizards” and have a big devil center patch, fucking dope as hell.  The biker that got hit leaves his old lady with the gang and gets back on his bike to go chase the girls that hit him.  He hits the car with his chain causing them to drive off the road and down a huge cliff.  This is an awesome scene because we get to see the car fall apart as its going down the cliff.  When it hits the bottom it looks like both ladies are dead and that the chain is stuck on the car.  At this time a dude smoking a pipe drives up and the biker runs away.  The dude smoking a pipe walks down the cliff and discovers the girls dead in the crushed car.  

Flash back to service life and we’re at a bar with a mini roulette wheel.  One of the staff sergeants starts talking about marrying his home town sweet heart who looks suspiciously like one of the dead girls from earlier.  We then find out that her name was Kathy and in fact she done died.  Now we’re at a funeral with some bible reading and we find out from some fuzz lieutenant that no one knows the biker gang that did this but the dude with the pipe thought they might have been called the “Devils.”  The SSG who was going to marry Kathy turns out to be named Mitch.  Mitch decides he wants to go after this gang of outlaws.  Thankfully the fuzz give him the helpful tip that bikers apparently don’t like cops or authority.  What a fucking helpful hint.

Back to the Wizards now, who have returned to terrorizing their own town.  We learn that they have some issues with the local law enforcement as well as some dissent among the ranks.  The guy that ran the car off the road is apparently named Casey.  Casey is apparently in a power struggle with the president of the Wizards who is named TJ.  Casey seems like a fucking prick.

Flash back to the SSGs who are sitting at some diner talking about how to find this gang.  A group of bikers comes in all rowdy like and the SSGs decide to ask them if they know of a group called the Devils.  They all get in a minor scuffle and the SSGs all leave.  They then decide that if they want to find bikers they have to become bikers.

The SSGs walk over to their nearest Kawasaki dealer and buy some 250’s because nothing is tougher than a red Kawasaki 250.  We now get to see a comedic scene of them all trying to learn to ride their 250‘s.  With the help of a montage they all become expert riders over the next three minutes.  Then they go and get their best biker garb they can assemble which includes back patches with their stripes on them.  Fucking subtle as hell, nothing says “I’m just a regular law breaking biker like you guys” than back patches with your stripes on them.  They then take off on a mission to go talk to all the biker gangs they can find to try and find the Devils.  Along the way they get their Kawasaki’s made fun of and they get all upset about it.  Eventually Mitch stumbles across the Wizards at a gas station and realizes that clearly this is the gang that killed his lady.  Mitch leaves a note at the gas station for the other three SSGs and he follows the Wizards to their bar.  Mitch walks in and is about to get his ass handed to him by TJ when Susan (Casey’s old lady) asks TJ to be nice to him.  TJ agrees.  Susan then takes Mitch to the gang’s house across the street to fuck him.  Don’t get too excited though, the next scenes are carefully arranged so we don’t see any tits.  We then cut to a closeup of a dude playing pinball which is apparently being used as a euphemism for fucking.

Meanwhile Casey has arrived back at the bar and everyone tells him that Susan is busy banging some other dude.  Back to Susan and Mitch, now we’re at pillow talk where Susan casually tells Mitch that they killed some broads earlier but it was cool.  Casey now busts in and beats the shit out of the both of them.  The Wizards go through Mitch’s wallet and find his service ID.  They decide to tie him up and drop him off somewhere but oh no, Mitch’s buddies followed him and are there to save him.  We now get a quick sweet chase scene.  

The SSGs go back to base to get tear gas and a giant truck and some K rations while the Wizards are regrouping and making plans.  The Wizards then have a pretty sweet biker party.  But lo-ho-ho the SSGs know the area and map out the location of the Wizards and prepare to attack.  TJ then kicks Casey out of the Wizards, he is going to leave but Susan tells him to go fuck himself and all hell breaks loose.  The SSGs then start attacking the Wizards with tear gas and rockets and shit.  They set up trip ropes all over the place and start taking Wizards as prisoners.  Some dude in a giant fur hat then warns the rest of the Wizards whats happening.  TJ tells Casey to get the fuck out of there.  The SSGs keep attacking and beat the shit out of everyone.  TJ points out Casey as the guy they want so Mitch chases him down a tunnel and gets in a sort of knife fight with him.  Mitch and the rest of the SSGs kick everyones asses and take them all as prisoners.  The end.

This movie had a lot of good points, a gang called the Wizards, babely 70’s gals, some ‘Nam action, sweet biker party, an okay soundtrack, and some dope army style fight scenes.  On the downside there are no tits and it ends awkwardly.  All in all worth your time.

 

4/5

 

The Hard Ride (1971)

The movie opens up to a bunch of bikers riding in from the distance to the tune of swing low sweet chariot. We find out through some trippy ‘Nam flashbacks that our main character named Phil was in ‘Nam with a guy named Lenny. Lenny apparently told Phil not to leave his side. Lenny is dead. Fast forward through some bullshit and we find out Lenny left Phil his motorcycle (named “Baby”) and asked him to get some asshole named Big Red and his riding buddies to come to his funeral. So Phil goes off to find this group of jerks. He stops at some diner where a girl gets all freaked out when he pulls up on Lenny’s old motorcycle. Apparently she used to “go with” Lenny. Some hippy looking mother fuckers come in and try to buy the bike. Phil tells them to go fuck themselves and to take him to see big red which they are oddly cool with. Next thing you know you’re at a sweet biker hang out complete with a some alright 70’s tits, a rusty school bus, and a refrigerator with “stash box” and a skull and crossbones painted on it which is pretty fucking dope. So Phil talks to some ass hat who turns out not to be Big Red and kicks Phil’s ass. Phil reverses the situation with a fucking Boy Scout knife and gets out alive. So our man Phil goes back to that diner to find Lenny’s old lady who’s name is apparently Cheryl. Cheryl agrees to take him to see Big Red. Get ready now for a fucking lot of gratuitous nature scenes. This is also where you realize that the sound track isn’t going to get any better. There is a random scene of those hippie looking mother fuckers having at best an alright biker party. Back to Phil and Cheryl, they stop off at some bar called “The Orgy” to find some dude taking shit about the service. Fuck that guy. They ask the bartender if he’s seen Big Red, they just missed him. More shitty music and shitty nature. They stop at like 16,000 other places that Big Red has apparently just left and someone tries to rape Cheryl. Somewhere in there Cheryl said something goofy like “if you want to turn me on you’ve got to want all of me.” It’s important to realize now that they are using “turn me on” as a euphemism for fucking. Then at one point a bunch of kids try to buy weed off Phil and Cheryl and end up beating the shit out of Phil and once again try to rape Cheryl and put a knife to her throat. That girl is constantly almost raped and/or held at knife point. More fucking shitty music and shitty nature. Somewhere in there Phil fucks Cheryl, widow fucker. Finally we meet Big Red’s dad who tells us his son is busy fucking whores and he hates his son. The widow fucker decides to go find Big Red at the whore house. Cheryl hangs around with Big Red’s dad and more people try to rape her. At this point you hope maybe this movie will be saved by a ton of tits and asses at the whore house. Not at all. You get 4 seconds of tits and find out that everyone there looks ugly as shit. We meet big red and find out he’s an ascot wearing fucker who says something like “Lenny? Fuck that guy.” The widow fucker agrees to give Big Red Lenny’s “scooter” if he and his guys will come to the fucking funeral. Big Red agrees. The widow fucker and Big Red get in a big fight with some fake war noises playing in the background. they both kick each other’s asses. More people try to rape Cheryl. The widow fucker and Cheryl go back to that diner are are kidnapped by those hippie looking mother fuckers who are bringing them back to the fake Big Red (who’s name is actually Grady which is a shitty name). Cheryl gets held at knife point again. Big Red goes to save the motorcycle and maybe the widow fucker if he gets around to it. A huge gang fight ensues where you realize there are a lot of bikers wearing ascots. These are some fucking jaunty bikers. Next thing you know we’re at Lenny’s funeral and there is some bible reading going on. All the jaunty bikers are there. Then, oh shit! There’s two coffins. Looks like the widow fucker got himself killed in that sweet west side story style biker fight, which isn’t surprising he got his ass kicked like 17 times in this movie. Then we hear Lenny’s voice again saying “don’t leave me Phil.” Then it fucking ends. What a shitty movie.

This combination of two of my favorite kinds of movies (biker moves and ‘Nam movies) fucking blew goats. Fuck jaunty bikers, widow fuckers, nature, and just about everything else in the movie.

2/5

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