No one has ever written songs about suicide, hate, death and how life is a cruel joke that’s life as well as you did
“Life’s a game I cannot win 
Both good and bad must surely end 
The mirrors always tell the truth
I love myself for hating you”

Laid to rest

Fuck, I’ve been pissing on my eyeballs lately via watching horror movies made in the current years. I thought hey, Laid to rest may be a winner, it does have a dude in a mask and is this enough to carry a film? Nope.
Laid to rest is just a sad attempt to revive the Slasher genre but it gets a giant fail, this movie is an exercise in wanting to throw a boot at your tv. so the crux of the plot is a killer in a shiny mask OOOOOOH??? ok so the killer looks like a goth nerd who wants to blow Anton Lavey, who is into hi-tech gadgets. I don’t really care that the fact he has no backstory, but I feel the shit peddlers involved may try to pull a fast one and make a prequel to Laid to rest. What you get in 90 minutes is seeing a piss poor cast and the feeling that the people of the town are in on the killings, but for some reason are fighting Chromeface? the movie drops ideas of this fact for most of the movie and where does it take you? pissed off and angry that the main girl with a head injury who can’t remember who she is and when you find out about her past, too late I wanted her dead.
watch see if you come to the same conclusion as us. We here agree its ballbag, and if you need more proof imdb Robert Hall, if this dude is not the fruit of the year, I will just watch Lancelot Link secret chimp and nothing else.

The Stuff (1985)

This movie is all based around a man finds a puddle of white goo on the ground and he makes a  choice to reach down onto the ground and taste this stuff what the fuck is wrong with this guy white goo on the ground 99.9% of the time that’s bird shit or seamen there are many more holes in this story but putting a mystery white goo in your mouth that’s crazy you deserve to be hollowed out and used as a puppet


Hack! and the name says it all.

It’s truly hard to be a horror fan sometimes, I suffered though Hack! this morning just to watch something that is current or at the least something that does not have to do with New York in the 1970’s. I don’t think that I except a certain timeframe as gospel in film, but too many times I have be let down when the torch of Horror has been passed to younger generation. I contend for every Fulci and Bava there will be a person who will be more than able to make a film to insure that genre fans will still support Horror, Hack! on the otherhand is exercise in redundancy, fan boy vomit that clogs the screen with references it fails to move the plot along except stereotypes and themes that you have seen elsewhere and this completely nullifies any attempt for Hack! to have any legs to stand on.

First off this films starts with a gaggle of diverse stereotypes who have been lumped together for the mere fact of being picked off one by by. Close your eyes and make your list of people to die and I am sure it will perfectly match the cast of Hack! the Jock, Gay guy, Virgin, slut and the Prude girl please don’t forget the token black dude still makes the rounds even if you thought it stooped to new lows with the remake of Friday the 13th, the black guy has a lame death just like every person who adds to the death count, dying at the hands of a clown with a mallet??? fuck I every got of my ass to make a film, it would not be chock filled with 90 minutes of quotes and kills you seen elsewhere and yes some would consider this a “love letter” to horror, you just can’t call a teacher Argento in your film and think this is your pass into the hearts of fan of horror.

All the familiar faces in this film, including Burt Young aka Paulie from the Rocky series and yes its been a long time from his classic birthday party from Rocky 4 in which Paulie gets a robot that sings his happy birthday. The Lady who spent her time playing a vampire on Buffy the series does not fair much better, seeing her play a horror fan killing in real life in order to make a horror film is about as real when I was younger hearing people talking about “punk rock” and I was subjected to these morons bastards blather on about the Sex Pistols, like the time a fruitcake with a mohawk talked about being the Captain of a wrestling team in high school while living in LA.
While it is true I don’t doubt the fact that Matt Flynn is a lover of horror, but to have a rapid fire exercise in trying to prove you know your horror history, while your at it save your breath that Led Zeppelin is the best metal band ever. I promise to fight anyone on this fact because in my round about way I was pissed that Hack! included Hannibal Lecter as the best killer was ever on the list of favorite killers, this is just other one of the offenses that I called foul on this entire movie.
Any jerk within five minutes can play a power chord but that does not earn you a spot in the rock and roll hall of fame, same goes for the quote spouters who get a camera and skates by without adding anything new to a film. What I saying is Ever find yourself watching a Tarentino film and enjoying it and then there is a fail of a scene, like a third of Inglorious Basterds is just cringe worthy for the fact you know what is being attempted but just can’t translate to an awesome scene. Pink flamingos is another case of Film at its finest of Filth and just how far a film can challenge a viewer and not come across a lame attempt in shock value. Pink Flamingos is is perfect in showing Divine being the filthiest person in America and proving to Connie and Ray Marble that even if their love goes deeper than hair color and Filthiness, you just can’t Fuck with Divine! and no offense to John waters, the man is legend in forging his own path in Cinema history, but to hand the torch to John Travolta to fill Divine’s Big High Heels is just a watered down joke and it’s ok to make movie for profit but for John Waters to go from High art dragged though sleaze only to go to goofy throwbacks with far less raunchy acts.
Do me a favor and pester people you know to avoid remakes and just shit in general, and if you are apart for pop culture just because you don’t watch the latest Pixar shit with it’s two creatures that go on a quest and learn a lesson in friendship along the way only to segue way into a uplifting song, I know someone reads this besides Unholy Moly and I. I also have say it’s been a while seen Ive done this but there is a point to it all.