Retarded Review(ers) #5 Cujo (1983)

Dear Afropixflix,

         I truly believe you need to see a eye doctor you have no grasp of depth perception and if its not that you think that Cujo was a computer generated dog in ether case your eyes are completely fucked and you need help get some glasses and watch Cujo again

Advertisements

Blood Moon Rising (2009)

I have a huge problem with action comedy with a horror element its like watching children playing cops and robbers  they run in circles for and hour yelling and using up all there caps then they play dead the end

(1/5)

ps… Ronny is only in this for a few seconds and its not funny

The company of wolves

I have watched many films in my life and I can figure up the demographic for mostly all these films, there are films like Flowers in the attic or Pin a plastic nightmare and now The company of wolves that smash in my eyeballs and piss on my teeth and force me to ask the question “who the fuck watches this” I just have to wrap my brain around something that I have a sneaking suspicion that the three above listed films are meant to titillate old women in the bible belt. I want to explain what I saw last night and I may need to point at a doll to show where this film touched me.

First of all, this film has much ill will towards Unibrows and I just cannot wrap my head around any fable, I guess it might of helped people back in the day. I always have a problem with faith or subtext that might just god, fuck that shit. Angela Lansbury is an old grandmother who is telling fables to a young girl about wolves and straying off the path. I guess this must be the reason why I pluck out my unibrow, so women won’t figure out that I’m a wolf or some shit like that.

Barbaric morons need stories to “keep the on the right path” This whole film is about how men are really just predators that just want to fuck woman, I guess a wet pussy is just an another way to show women they have been duped by a man. Company of wolves is just a telling of Red Riding Hood and aside from great special effects and being very non-linear, I just say fucking lift the veil and tell people the truth about life and we will be much better off in life. No reason to sugarcoat all the nasty shit in life.

At one point there is a story told about a women who cracks a mirror in front of poncey bastards and guess what? all the posho cunts turn into wolves, yes I figured out that a rich guy knocked up a poor broad and she felt slighted and put a curse on the rich people and turned them into animals like they truly were.

there was a jacked toothed ginger kid who was all about trying to get a “kiss” from the gal he liked and she was warned by grandma about boys and their evil way, so fucky tooth thought it was a good idea to stray off the path and he meets a dude in a fancy car, who gives out free lube to young boys??? and this was going to turn snaggletooth into a hairy gent that ladies were into, and then he finds out that there is a twist of fate that was like a third rate tales from the darkside.

Then it turns to a full blown Red riding hood and I would tell you about the rest, if you want to do drugs and watch a film that feels like a trashcan Jim Henson and if you like morals shoved up your ass, then open wide and get a fist full of I told you so.

Madhouse


So for my first review on here, I chose to watch Madhouse on a boring Friday night. The main story in Madhouse isn’t very unique, but it doesn’t have to be. It is relatively low budget with a group of relatively unknown actors. A college student needs an internship to graduate, and chooses to do so at Cunningham Hall mental institution. The student’s name is Clark Stevens and when he arrives he sees the brutal way the patients are treated and starts seeing ghosts. For being a low budget movie, the plot was pretty solid and I only slightly predicted the ending. The main inconsistency however is in the use of gore. The first real murder scene was absolutely awesome and brutal. Death metal blaring, electro shock tools, and the head nurse biting right through her tongue sending blood squirting off like crazy. The next one was less excessive but still pretty awesome because it contained one of my favorite murder weapons: the axe. The plot comes together rather quickly at the end and feels like it is rushed to the conclusion while the beginning of the movie had plenty of filler moments. For a FEARnet movie, I was pleased.

Rating: 3/5

Not the best, but not a disappointment

Rawhead Rex

Scraping the top layer off the amazing mind of Clive barker, you find what seems to be a huge gay bondage monster that roams the Irish country side. I know this sounds like something like you would slash the tires of the neighbor car across the street and believe me you should. This film is that would most likely offend some people in the God camp and watching a Priest getting Baptised with evil piss is worth the price of the dvd.

He’s Pure Evil. Pure Power. Pure Terror. This this the tagline for the film and trust me, if you are afraid of the gays, this film just might scare the shit out of you. It all starts in a lovely part of Ireland and some potato washer is trying to remove a giant cock like pillar from a field, This is where all the fun begins because if you bury a giant monster in the ground it may as well have an eight foot dildo to remind the world of evil.

On to the hero and the one to fill his shoes is a dude who loves sweaters and has a cunty wife and two awful children and I see Clive Barker reasoning, if you had to face this family, I too would try to endanger my life by hunting a monster. The hero is a photographer who is just dicking around in Ireland and stubles on the Church with a stained glass of Rawhead Rex, and noone questions why the church has a monster window, I guess when a priest has a thumb up the butt of a child, the priest will say “Monster! btw Jesus loves you” and most people never bother to smell the thumb of their local priest.

Rawhead Rex is a monster to end all monsters, Eight feet of something that stepped out of an S&M club that has mullet-like haircut or when Watty put down his mohawk. Rawhead is mad for being banished in the earth and now he is all about getting close-ups on his face and killing people and when Rawhead goes apeshit and makes his presence know to all the locals, I feel it would be the same if a leather daddy brought an uzi into walmart.

The photgrapher is a man obessed to prove that Rawhead is real monster and the Police are slow to realize that he is not crazy and by time this happens, sweater-man is down one fuckhead child and guess what? it turns out the church is at fault and is very susceptible to curruption and golden showers. And you ask “how do you stop a creature so awful?” send your yeastest crotch up against Rawhead and you on the right track.

Fun violence and great close-ups on Rawhead Rex make this one of the most watchable Clive Barker works, and don’t get me on that shitfest Midnight Meat Train…. cunt christ with a cleft lip. Shit get bananas in the final act, so load up and enjoy!

Vampires Anonymous (2000)

Why did no one ever tell me that in the year 2000 they made a sequel to My Best Friend Is A Vampire? Vampires Anonymous is pretty much the same film with some added sheep rape jokes, which make me want to vomit ever since I laid my eyes on this guy:

 
(2/5)

Playroom

I always pondered why this film has stuck out in my mind as one of the more terrible drivelfest that was 90’s horror and as got meself a copy of this dreck on vhs format, I wondered how much drugs I would have to take to enjoy this( I don’t do drugs, still maintaining a role model status)

Playroom was a story written by Jackie Earl Haley and you may know him for being the cool kid in the Bad News Bears or the deep talking maskie in the Watchman. I think this maybe the best of Serbian horror and that’s not much to say. I did enjoy the fact Vincent Schiavelli had an awesome as always part as a man charged for murders and bent of revenge, This dude you may remember as the tall weird looking gent in ghost and in my opinion this dude has never played a bad part in the films I have seen him in.

Plotshite in a nutshell, Christopher Mcdonald plays an archaeologist who has to live with dreams of finding his whole family killed and he is now going to the place where it happened, to me this don’t seem like the best idea( hey what did I know, I’m just a cunt on a blog) and so off to a cool looking place with his GF and his Ex-junkie photographer Friend with his hippy GF.

At the castle/whatever Shooter Mcdonald finds his Imaginary friend and this kid looks like he came down with a case of the 90’s doucheyness and he smacks around Shooter for a while untils he snaps and thinks its ok to take his friends into the “playroom” aka torture room and since there is a low number of cast there is a lack of inventive kills, but the chair is kinda funny but would you allow the same liberty to Jason to use the same kill in the same movie NO and thats the way it should be, fuck off if you don’t agree and there is a punch waiting for all those who challenge and I will set up a fight in front of a dumpster in case.

Saving grace Vincent Schiavelli is a dude who breaks out a looney bin to check suckers with his ability to severer a head with three bullets and this statement is uttered by Vincent in hopes someone will take him up on the offer.

Daniel the made up friend from shooter Mcdonald in the Final act revealed to a beef jerky yoda who tries his best to be an understudy to the Cryptkeeper and fails to the max. I would take this dude own sword and stick it up his and make him an chuckie wannbe Popsicle. I have to say there is giggles to be had at the horrible factor of the villain being a twat child who is really a peanut head with a sword who tried to get catchphrases ala poochie or some shit.

Wrapup is little scares to be had in Playroom and for some reason I feel could have been a better film if Italian actors been used instead of Christoper Mcdonald who seems to overact and does not set a mood in the least, I guess this why he make a good second banana not the big draw in films and I do not insult but it seems a wee bit improv.

And what kind of rant would it be if I did not slag remakes, Fuck the idea of Nightmare on Elm street. Jackie Haley will just be throating his voice for this remake just like everyone since Crhistian Bale did it for the new Batman and now brooding has a blanket voice!!! Cunt cunt cunt is all have to say if you can’t make you own film instead of the template method that has overrun horror today.