Sandwiches, friendship and blowjobs

Today’s review is on the wonderful film, Night of the Demons. I just want to get it out of the way that there is a remake made, Sandwiches, friendship and blowjobs is going to be the film I make someday and it will be an artistic vision like the world has never seen. I already see myself living in a three bedroom fixer-upper will hundreds of dollars I will be earning, I do see a down side is that I feel though various sequels, director changes and the Dreaded “Sandwiches, friendship and blowjobs takes Manhattan” it will be the straw that broke the camels back.

Night of the Demons starts off as Angela is a surprisingly chipper goth girl with a bad reputation and I think it may be that she shoplifts and hangs out with Linnea Quigley, she has made a living off taking off her shirt and playing the ditz in b-movies. The awesome starts quickly as the fat punker moons an old cranky guy on his way to an killer party with less than 10 people? sign me up twice for a ripper with that many heads.
At Hall house the run down house of evil where Angela has decided to have a party to improve her image and to scare the shit out of dudes, with all ten or so people, Partytime! fat punk guy has supplied the tunes for the fiesta and guess what the batteries dies, to combat boredom fat punk and black dude dressed as a pirate go search the house and find the best party game ever, cob webbed old mirror. Angela thinks it a great idea to summon whatever lives in hall house, the mirror shows a gruesome death to a girl and she breaks the mirror and evil lands in Linnea Quigley and it’s not far from the truth.
This movie has everything you need if your stuck on a desert island T@A, poop jokes, scary voices and a dance from Angela that could prove the existence of God or at the least give a Hot Topic employee a raging hard-on. I’d also like to know who does like women with awesome breasts getting heads turned like a soda cap.
Night of the Demons is a strong film from start to finish with great deaths and a good sense of humor about itself, a goody goody dressed like Alice who sometimes lets her vagina in the way of saving her own ass at time. Now some will say just because of dealing with possession by demons that it is knock off Evil Dead and I fight anyone who says that in my earshot.
Night of the Demons has a kick ass soundtrack and it has a great tales of the crypt style ending. If anything sums it all up it has to be Linnea Quigley.

The Blob (1988)

The Blob looks like if all of the Nickelodeon Gak in the world came to life and started eating people, but don’t worry there’s always some goofy kid with a leather jacket and a mullet around to save the day … this is my new favorite giant monster. It would destroy Cloverfield in a fight any day.

(5/5)

No smoke and mirrors left here only CGI

“How can they hear the truth above the roar” This is a quote from Chicago, where Richard Gere is singing the best ways to fool a crowd and don’t get me wrong it’s a good song but damn if it’s not the way the movie industry works. We are subject to worthless remakes and sequels that have taken you down the same path, American pie is a perfect example of that, first off do you remember the actors and the fine jobs they did? are there any good actors in these film? is it true they got so much blood from a stone Eugene Levy is draw for the latest direct to dvd trainwreck? Avitar and Twilight run on the same premise, Avitar is a IMAX strokefest luring you in with “mind blowing landscapes” and the bait and switch is it’s just a story of how the white man can save the day, James Cameron can stick a trumpet up the ass of Kevin Costner allowing him to toot his own horn again. Twilight is just youth driven classic vampire tale and horror fans have to sit and suffer that this gobshite is lumped into the genre by Hollywood. Do you really need to see a dopey looking British guy pulling the same “whoa is me” gimmick? I would rather watch Buffy if I needed to see a Vampires whining that their cunts hurt.

“when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government”. Yes those are lines from the Declaration of Indepence and how does it apply to films? Despotism is a form of government which is ruled under a single authority and this does sound extreme but with all onslaught of remakes in sequels in the horror genre, don’t you think enough is enough? and this does cross over into daily life, if there are less options for you in life where do you think it will stop? Hollywood is sadly one step away from Coupon The Movie from Mr. Show and How great would it be for the latest blockbuster movie Hollywood churned out, only to play to empty chairs in megaplexes. Using the each one, teach one logic, have your circle of friends avoid a movie and spread the word until studios feel it in their wallets. I don’t give a fuck how Avitar is very high grossing,making money does not make a film watchable and all the bells and whistles in the world will not make a film rewatchable, when did you last watch Independence day? why do you think I used the razzle dazzle quote earlier?

I know there is still hope for films, Be kind rewind was an awesome idea, taking back the magic that movies held for people. I loved the film but Jack Black’s wacky antics just brought it down for me. I know this rant has been agenda-heavy and not pertaining to horror very much, the point we try to make is it’s your time and this is blog is geared towards people who are bored at mainstream cinema as we are.

Thanks for joining the fan page and spread the word about us, if we are lucky to get more followers one of them just might be a filmmaker or just alert people if they once had spending power that can force filmmakers abandon cookie cutter scripts. There is a man behind the curtain and for fun lets throw rocks at him.

Fred Williamson and the sound of his own voice

As always I can anger myself just by the simple act of heading to blockbuster to rent a good film. I was heading out of town, so I could watch more than 8 films this weekend and I had my Bava film and other gems. I go into blockbuster knowing that I was ready to give a spinning backfist to the clerk who happened to know dick about movies, I have in my head that its a pretty easy to find and to watch John Carpenters The Fog. I go up to a different clerk than I dealt with during the “Running Man hoopla” I figure that The Fog would be carried by the fucking store. I have to say the sections are messed up and out of order, it just gives off a “I don’t give a fuck what I watch” point of view and its disgraceful that’s how the business is run. I again was let down that they only carry the 2005 version of the fog.

I have come to a sad realization that most people don’t give a fuck what they watch and its getting more rare to find a film that does not looks like a video game or remake of something you have already seen. I have put way to much time into thinking about how pissed I get about the state of films in general, power is out of the viewers hands and whats left in its place is a glitzy clusterfuck and for some reason people are willing to shrug it off and say “its only a movie” I don’t know how some people were raised,I happen to give a fuck how I spend my free time. I could rant about this forever but I will find the others who have given up on Hollywood and until there will be changes, I rant about this until someone listens.
In the DVD extras of 1990 Bronx warriors Fred Williamson gives an interview telling the audience that his interview contains very innovative and exciting excerpts about the film. I can’t count how many things about this film to worth owning. If I had to sum Bronx warriors up it would have to be the following, The Wiz meets The Warriors. The story is about a gang of bikers who look like “lick it up era” KISS and they have light up skulls on their motorcycles, aside from looking like a hair metal band, the Riders have elected a man named Trash as their leader. Trash looks like a ballerina and carries himself like a cartoon poodle.
The others amazing gangs you run into are snappy dresser gang, a razzle dazzle tap dance gang, a roller skating version of the baseball furies and other assorted gangs that live in the run down crime zone that is the Bronx and what happens when there is a chat between all the gangs, of course its a drum solo and yes one dude in a empty lot playing drums til all gangs show up for the monthly gang mixer.
Back to Fred Willamson and why the man who could listen to the sound of his own voice, I still would listen for hours about how he feels that he is amazing and how great his films are. Fred plays a snappy dresser gang leader named Ogre and he had to break it to Trash that one of his gang was working with the police and Ogre tells Trash he found a GIZMO on the guy he killed. The acting in this film is awesome on a shit your pants level and this type of film just should not be forgotten and should be held up as art.
Despite Fred being the Hammer, it happens to be Vic Morrow playing a badass hitman dressed like a gay leather hitler, and he is from the bronx and he hides the fact by being a cop. The hitman is trying to locate a preppy girl who ran away from her life of boring life of being an oppressor, and she brings her trouble white ass into the bronx, right into the arms of Trash and they form a quick and very apparent bond and yes the bitch goes and gets kidnapped out while she is “thinking” dumb broad goes out in a nomadic wasteland for a mind clearing stroll? serves her right and her alligator shirt.
The rest of the film is Trash meeting different gay ass street gangs in order to blow your eyeballs just every second you will gladly glue you ass to a seat for a while to see George Eastman getting his ass kicked, I like to think he got beat up for the way he was dressed. All through the film awesome fights happen with dainty grace and with shades of west side story.
watch this film and ponder how the bronx became a wasteland that the police feared when the police had the only guns left? Do you really want to watch a remake or find a filmmaker to tell a different story that you’ve seen before? I tell you, I don’t have the mind power to make a film but I certainly have the anger to tell people I know what I don’t fucking want to watch, I attempt to enjoy new horror and took a chance on Grace…the killer baby shitfest. I will get to that pile of aids with two scoops of cancer later.
I want to use my time try to make a dent in the hollywood shitcart. have you read the sycophant reviews in modern genre magazines? I read and sometimes pass by articles on new films and with claims of their being a new chapter in horror, fuck those mags and I get they want money for doing what they love, I just happen to think its shitty to lead people to a glossy fate and buying cheesy horror items to bilk people of their money ala Rue Morgue.
Rant of many points? Satan’s Orphans are just fed up and we are not gonna take it anymore.

Sleepwalkers (1992)


This movie left me full of questions.  Maybe someone will know these things.  I’m looking at you Stephen King.

  1. Is it normal for sleepwalkers to be incestuous or were these two just freaks ? 
  2. Do sleepwalkers need to eat people ? 
  3. Am I part sleepwalker? If I get scratched by a cat, I’m down for three weeks with crazy flu-like illness which is a shame because I really want to have more cat friends in my life.

I will be waiting patiently on your response, Mr. King, I know your reading this.

Robot Holocaust

I remember hearing tales of a man who directed gay porn, had a surplus of fur and potato sacks in New York in the 80’s. As with all the tall tales we have grown up with that have faded in the back burners of our minds, like the vans the would drive around and lure kids into the back of the van and proceed to breaks their fingers. I made up the first part but the second part is something that was talked about growing up in Lynn, never saw or met anyone who didn’t just talk about it. As for the gay porn director who made horror films, sometimes you just stumble on to greatness while your hiding from the rain.

Yes it is true that Tim Kincaid has a amazing background in anus wrecking all the while having the ability to tell an interesting tale that would have been stolen from Hollywood years later. Robot holocaust tells the of Neo who has a foppish robot sidekick that has the mouth of a sex doll, so the time is a post apocalyptic New York that is ruled by a shadow figure robot known as the Dark Lord and has a female lackey that is quite sexy with her spandex and her big hair.

The plot plays out in a way that feels like Wizard of OZ meets the warriors, Neo goes on a quest to the power station, the dwelling of the Dark Lord. Neo gets in wacky exploits and meets a crew of half naked men and a Amazon type female warrior who tends to hate men, but she will cut out dudes tongues then force a dude to make babies.

This film is a goldmine of quotes and there is no stop of silly action and the melee combat is downright amazing, this is a vision of the future I can get behind. Perfect shots of 80’s New York and there is one scene where the twin towers are still standing, proving the towers could survive the Apocalypse but in reality humans can fuck that up.

The last twenty five minutes of the film are even more mind blowing than the first sixty,and yes the film runs a total of eighty minutes and spaceballs wished it had an ending this good. Robot Holocaust proves you don’t need budget or good fx to make a great film, This may be a buck tooth dome-headed child with a droopy ear…even with all the strikes against it there is more than enough promise to keep you interested and you’ll laugh most of the way.

I made it though an entire rant without making a potshots at remakes, fuck it the Matrix is a polished turd of Robot Holocaust and its funny how remakes of good movies turn out a shitty product, but when you take a gem like this and lift the basic plot and throw in a talking head of an actor, the final product is as worthless as the collectors edition of the generic blockbuster that has flooded the market since the birth of dvd extras.

Highs and lows of horror

Revenge of the dead is one of those movies you find in the store and you say “ok it has a zombie on the cover” so you purchase it and you get home and it turns out to be a different film than the box art suggests and instead of chucking the film out the window, this may end up a favorite film of yours.

The story starts out with a old woman looking for someone outside during the nighttime, me I excel at putting two and two together and yes I correct about the old bag getting killed. Now before you bestow me with roses and praise, this film is the aim for all the fanfare. What happens next is a page from the fulci handbook,in the 1950’s a young girl has a man take her to the basement and on the way to the basement, the house is doing the whole haunted act complete with the shaking Bannister gimmick. The man leaves the girl and something or someone has attacked the girl.

Now in present day, Stefano is a writer and he receives a typewriter from his girlfriend and he for some reason reads the ribbon from the typewriter and it tells of how the dead will rise and all that good stuff. Upon searching Stefano find out that belongs to Don Luigi and the mystery gets deeper when he goes to visit Don Luigi and talks to him and returning to talk again, the hero find that Don Luigi has been dead or missing for years.

Don Luigi was a priest until it was found he was studying K-zones place in the world that defy logic of life and death, meaning the dead will raise if placed in a K-zone. Stefano is getting sucked into to finding the truth and Bodies start piling up. Stefano’s girlfriend is now calling him crazy for pursuing and the church that Don Luigi was a part of has Priests following Stefano.

Stefano finds the K-zone and locates the real Don Luigi and he is on camera while in a casket and there are devices that monitor that beep and boop and just look cool. Don Luigi wake up and starts laughing and come from the ground and tries to kill Stefano and but he gets away.

I won’t say the end, but yet again it is Fulci-like and all around great even with a lack of gore and a low bodycount, Despite it seem you’ve seen parts of this film elsewhere it is a fun watch and the soundtrack rules! Buy this film just on the grounds on the actor has been in some of Argento’s greatest films, you’ll just want to watch Deep Red all over again!

Now for the low, Jess Franco. I can barely say his name without cringing and I know horror should push the limit but I tried to find worth Vampyros Lesbos. I watched it again and all I felt once again that Jess Franco is a one note filmmaker who makes films for perverts and horny teens, who else wants to see watered down avant garde with subpar camera angles and for some unknown reason his love of filming boats? Vampyros Lesbos has promise because of plot has to do with a woman getting sucked into a vampires life and this gets played out thought the dreams of a woman who seems crazy, now what ruins it for me is the overuse of the footage of the boats and a scorpion on the ground, and this images appear in the film over and over again. I am not sure what the subtext may be, maybe a fan of Misty Munday can explain my questions.

I will say watching Italian films of the past, I quite enjoy the beauty that alot of the women of these films, but do I need to see a topless woman waving her arms around topless at an odd angle for my entertainment? I seen other films to further blur the line of horror and porn, I just happen to find them terribly boring.

Vampyros Lesbos is a film you would watch if you want to shock your auntie, sad truth is getting though Vampyros Lesbos will just make you want to shove a boat up the ass of Jess Franco. Franco’s body of work is just part of the reason that Horror fans are lumped into the weirdo pile and yes he has done some valid films, but I happen to think eatting beets in your salad is far more interesting than his body of work, at least your poop will be purple the next morning and thats more than I can say for Vampyros Lesbos.