Evilenko (2004)

You kill children I understand that but do i have to watch 20 scenes of you luring little girls into the woods followed but a scene of a confused cop going why cant we get this guy and who gets raped by a hypnotist anyway

To avoid fainting repeating I seen this in another movie

So last night I went to the Cinema last night and I watched Paranomal Activity, I will be taking you from the end to the start all the while listening to Happy birthday to me, the movie I was told I suss in on it.

Sitting in a crowdless movie theater containing less than ten people waiting for credits that I observed outloud by saying “we paid for this” sitting watching a black screen in the hopes of credits that never came and that is a less than spooky ploy than the boast of BASED ON SHOCKING TRUE EVENTS, now I guess the marketing monkeys want the gasoline priced soda guzzling rubes like me to think this was found footage by telling you Micah’s body was found and Katie was never located after footage was located.

I know this have changed in the Horror genre with the tide of influence going to J-horror, but come on I know there must be a few people who thought the ending was like Quarentine or REC. I Just happened to think the demon face katie had was a little shit biscuit, but I know cgi weird faces and quick editing tend to fill seats.

Overall I would see this film again because the bedroom shots I felt I was focused on focusing and yes it did make engrossed in the film and it felt like I was watching it for a very long time but not in a bad way. There were lots of tension built though the sleep and reviewing which was effected by Micah’s select knowledge of the supenatural, I felt his part was hampered by his “wow this is cool” by seeing his girlfriend being haunted with proof to his quasi-pro rambles of “these things get worse after you confront the ghost” only to contridict his own points by his dumb ass actions.

I would also like to see this hit shelves under the title Paranormal activity:couples fight edition. I was just getting reminded of my own shitty ex’s with the couple just seeming to out-cunt each other, the expert who came to the house and warning about the negitive vibes going on and said “call the Demonologist” with Micah playing it just like the boyfriend in Drag me to Hell,as the sceptic who wanted to try his ideas first. If my girlfriend said lets leave a place, I don’t want to stick around to see shit go bonkers and I forgot to mention Katie’s boobs were awesome and if you look close, you can see she wears a sports bra to bed and I know this does not effect the movie, but the were just good to look at for a while.

I also will state I went in this movie wanting to be scared, nope I was entertained though and I can’t seem to let go the idea ghosts don’t exist. I sorry if you don’t agree that Science is a juggernaut that crushed the Anemic sissy called faith. Paranormal Activity was filled with points that pointed to mental problems and bad couples can just heap shit on themselves. I was victim of my own faith wanting ghost story that was original, but I am looking forward to a prequal to watch and not have my expectations meet reality once again.

In closing, I heard alot of racket from Happy birthday to me, as for now I may just copy pat and just watch the ending.

Fulci

The first Fulci movie I saw was the Gates of hell, and I will say this film takes the idea of a nightmare and in a perfect way translates it to film, and I know one of the most common barbs sent Fulci’s way is the wooden acting and flimsy plot lines but from what I dreamt and tried to describe to others I can’t even begin make sence of the dream I’ve been a part of. Fulci made Gates of hell and just seemed to nail it on the head, Starting out the film with a Priest hanging himself and this sets off the events that unleashed an evil upon Dunwich aka Salem aka spooky shit has happen here town. What makes this film so good is a not a constant violence but when it does happen its kinda choice! The Woman in the car who looks at the priest is one of the most amazing ways I have to kill a broad, starts with the lady having her eyes blood and then to puke out black entrails and the topper is the sound that is being made from her mouth, a delightful gurgle while puking her inards out. I won’t go into how everyone gets greased in the film but rather focus on the films dreary and bleak lighting, it lends to “how fucked are you?” vibe. Remember that this a nightmare so I don’t want to explain the ending.

House of clocks is a later Fulci film which you can tell this is a wop by numbers style and it does pay off if you are a true fan of Fulci’s. Being on the cusp of the 90’s, you can see that budgets are not what they used to be for a genre film. What lacks in money is a story that is seems pretty clearcut but again anything that throws common sence away always get my vote. The rundown is what seems to be a nice old couple who live in a big old house are the victims of pot smoking sweaty people and their constant plans of crime, so sweaty gang are looking for victims and they stumble on the house and the party begins.

The house is full of clocks and they have the ability to go and in forth in time and the nice old couple are really just freaky deeky white people and the job they fill their time with is keeping a pair of money grubbers dead with the help of the fug maid and the creepy groundskeeper, and since its a horror of course shit goes wrong, and the money grubbers are discovered by the sweaty gang and are really fucked from multiple sources and there are many giggle moments to be had in this film.

House of clocks may not be the most solid of Fulci’s work but if the concept of time and space being altered while people are dying, this might be your cup of tea.

Troll 2: Electric Boogaloo

I have always known about the duality of life, I grew up watching Tales ftom the darkside and I’m well of the carbon copies of memories and how They take a Bizarro twists. Now I can say that I knew even as a teen that I had a built-in quality control in my mind, but watching Troll 2 only led to a case of my mind being broken.

Anyone who was my age and who has seen Troll was amped on the idea of expanding on the treat for your eyeballs that Troll was, back then I quickly picked up on the fact this film has zilch to do with the orginal troll and it was much more diluted than piss in an ocean. The beginning is one of those fairy tales intro’s complete with the formula-1 blonde with drawn on freckles who turned out to be a troll who fed a dumb shit dutch boy who looked like he stepped out hansel and gretal. Wacthing this dumdum suffer his tricked fate is very pleasant due to the fact the white bitch fed his ass food that looked like green pudding, so really he earned his demise ten fold. I can get into an opening act like that, now since life ain’t perfect and the viewer has to suffer though the first lines of Joshua, who is overlayed in the scene reacting to his Grampa telling him a story. I think we all have been around someone who can just manage to annoy you just by yapping away, and this IS that kid.

Now I just have to keep harping on about Joshua because the rest of the movie is this shitty child reacting to the events around him by whining though each seen he is in. I have to say it would have been a cool scene in which, Joshua Pees on food left for the Family by the Trolls who live in a town named Nilbog of which somehow the family is invited to a timeshare with Family who lives in a fanatical ol timey town, there is even the Cookie cutter bible thumper bad guy. I veer back to when dead Grampa who has the ablity to stop time to prevent the family from eatting troll food and sweating green stuff and turning into veggies for trolls to eat. I can’t say what I would have done, but Einstein cooks up the idea of peeing on the food and thats cool but he says outloud “I have to do this” Now if people could die from food hell yes I would pee on it and maybe if there was no death involved.

I knew there was something rotten in Denmark, even when I watched this movie as a teen. Years later it turned out to be a crew of Italians and a cast of people who have never acted before: for example the party scene with the two old people clapping on the couch, my eyeballs wanted to jump out my skull and slap me in the mouth for seeing that image. I could yap on forever about the 90’s and how is nearly killed horror as a genre, yes it was a trying time for anytime for anyone who liked seeing death. Horror was a played out fad in the 90’s and got very little money to make a film and it shows even with the Greats like Argento and Fulci, to be fair Soavi did his best efforts for horror and he did it well.

To watch Troll 2 is seeing a tired and worn genre use all its showstoppers like the hammy bitch witch who was the towns mom or something to that effect and the lame jumpscare which is vicked from Inferno where you see the witch in the mirror and a troll busts though the mirror. I could break down the movie even further but anyone who is a fan of Wop horror can tell you where most of the cinematography ideas came from. I still would watch this movie again just as anyone would watch a old guy in a Def Leppard tshirt getting shot down in a bar constantly. I will tell only those whose hearts and souls are true to watch this, and don’t watch this film alone because you need to ask the person next to you “did that just happen?” also booze or any other vice of your choice will help.

Watch it Here – Link

MEGA BEING VERSUS GIANT MUTANT


Every few years a film is released which revolutionizes the porn industry. Mega Being Versus Giant Mutant is one of those films. Directed by Jackie Kong, who many of us will remember from The Being trilogy, this film grabs the viewer by the nuts and keeps on squeezing.

Kong challenges prevailing interpretations of the collapse of the Soviet Union by unveiling it’s relationship to two unsuspecting freaks of nature, The Mutant and The Being.

The Being, disfigured while attempting sexual intercourse with a vacuum cleaner in one of the more quizzical scenes of the film, is trained by Al Qaeda in a facility deep beneath the Sea of Azov where he is forced to curb his lifelong affinity for Syrian bread.

Kong relates his inspiration for The Being: “I was watching Animal Planet when a horse mounted another horse. I said, ‘place a single, large, googly eye on that member and there’s my leading man!'”

Wearing glasses and a fake mustache to conceal the fact that he is a nine-foot tall, incessantly-perspiring cyclops, The Being inaugurates a diabolical ponzi scheme which fleeces peanut farmers.

Meanwhile, The Mutant–an all-American boy from Smalltown, USA who debuted in 1983’s Mutant–comes of age in the dazzling 1980s, and his favorite band is Nelson. The archetypical hometown football star, The Mutant betroths a profligate transsexual from the cheerleading squad who turns out to be part Octopus.

Things are going well for the young couple until The Mutant loses his job after inflicting a ferocious swirlie on a juvenile delinquent who arrived late to The Mutant’s Home Economics seminar because he was smoking in the boys’ room. “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the fuckin’ bathroom!” shouts the enraged Mutant, brain matter spattering his apron. The youth dies. The scene witnesses the advent of The Mutant’s antipathy for red tape and bureaucracy when he is informed that his community has a strict policy against abusing a student’s cranium with porcelain in a concussive manner without a signed permission slip from the student’s parents. Meanwhile, The Mutant’s wife dies.

Meanwhile, The Being teams up with Skeletor to teach Prince Adam a lesson that he won’t soon forget.

Meanwhile, The Mutant is reborn as a hard-hitting Chicago cop who’s taking to the streets–and this time it’s personal. The Mutant craves justice like Rush Limbaugh craves bacon double cheeseburgers. In the turbid inner city streets besmudged by feculence, The Mutant kicks butt and cleans it too. The Mutant flosses the public ass with a toilet bowl brush named Justice.

In a battle more epic than any since Gilligan fought the Skipper, The Being and The Mutant face off on the nose of a jet 40,000 feet in the air. The mysteries of the Chernobyl disaster are revealed as, passing over Eastern Europe, the jet crash lands at the nuclear facility. The radiation transforms them, respectively, into: Mega Being and Giant Mutant.

After a thirty-minute power-bomb montage, the combaters’ attention becomes focused on a small, brown orb. Upon closer inspection, it is recognized as: a potato. A fifty-foot tall Joseph Stalin promptly materializes.

“So, you have unraveled the mystery. Yes, it was I who poisoned the potato that killed The Mutant’s wife. And it was I who poisoned Pottsville, Idaho’s drinking water with toxic potato ooze, which resulted in The Being’s brain becoming entirely activated, which forced him to ‘mutilate and decapitate.'”

The Mutant and The Being then join forces to defeat international communism.

“Ultimately, we are all the same,” says Kong. “But sometimes it takes giant monsters to demonstrate that. Mankind’s deadliest threat will not come from the skies.”

Kong, you perverted bastard, you’ve done it again, my friend.

Ben Ford also hosts his own blogs, including torturedenglish.blogspot.com.